@rxysurfchic

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

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@AlisonChrista

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@joeljeffrey

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

@MehrangizC

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

@stuckinaportal

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

@_SingleBabyMama

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

@SondraDeeMe

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.