i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“The Perfect Relationship”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer