i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
is this because i’m from new joisey?
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.