I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
where do you see yourself in five years?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.