I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’