*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.