I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.