As soon as I get out of the hospital for this frostbite, my husband and I are going to have words about who controls the thermostat.
I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater
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Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things I think people need to know, NASA.
[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine