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Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Okey dokey.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
m’lady
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.