@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

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@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

@UncleDuke1969

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

@GrampsTramp

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

@capnwatsisname

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

@ArfMeasures

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

@heatherlou_

My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that’s kinda neat.