I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Tremendous stuff
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”