@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

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@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

@TedOfficialPage

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@Divergentmama

Puts streamers and balloons in the bathroom

*adds Professional Party Pooper to resumé

@raniao2011

I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.

@rockymomax

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

@caithuls

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

@jollyrobber

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

@dlsims01

Life is like a cup of coffee…

No matter how much sugar you put in it, there’s always grounds at the end.