I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

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4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*


*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt


Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.


[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts


*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*


It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again


[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!


I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background


you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve