@jellybnbonanza

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*

@Owl_Meat

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

@Underchilde

Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

@continentlbkfst

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

@ArrogantBB8

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

@shutupmikeginn

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

@Ochie2S

[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!

@SocialExtortion

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background

@minkpinkustink

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve