I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.