4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear
Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..
Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!
om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. Seriously, I’m taking a selfie and you’re in the background
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve