I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Have sex in the shower? I can鈥檛 even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don鈥檛 fall over.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don鈥檛 listen either.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that鈥檚 the real prank
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I鈥檇 be in terrific shape.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I鈥檓 like dude we don鈥檛 have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you鈥檙e just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 馃槀
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.