6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.