@CrockettForReal

I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping

You Might Also Like

@TrevWall

we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef

@68Cly29

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

@farleftcoast

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

@otterwrangler

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@3sunzzz

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.