I establish dominance over my kids by sprinkling LEGO around their beds while they’re sleeping

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we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef


I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.


Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.


Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!


My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?


me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.


(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.