an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
jesus christ confetti not now
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.