I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
You Might Also Like
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.