I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

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A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair


My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.


[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night


North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.


ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking


A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy