@nigelgodwin

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

You Might Also Like

@LoriLuvsShoes

A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair

@richardosman

My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

@trentistweeting

[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Cheese: yea
Yogurt: yea
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@omgthatspunny

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

@RawBeanCoal

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy