A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
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There is no “i” in “stupid.”
My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.
[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
me: no shoes in the house
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
ME: No, new please.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.