I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
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The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done