“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks