A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”