I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

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*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars


I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.


My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same


I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.


No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.


Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer


Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.


[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5