@TheAlexNevil

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

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@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

@smiles_and_nods

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

@KentWGraham

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

@ninjadinosaur1

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@SJSchauer

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5