I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay