I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
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I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
what does he know…
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”