@megankcomedy

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

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@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@Mom_Overboard

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

@Douchekevin

I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

@mishakey

I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.

@dukelongboard

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

@LuvPug

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

@JohnHilsen

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@spinubzilla

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

@jellybnbonanza

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management