I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
You Might Also Like
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts