I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Confused owl: What?!
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
There is no try. There is only give up.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
2023 was just a warmup