@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

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@trojansauce

KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?

@CulturedRuffian

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

@junejuly12

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

@DecantAndPour

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

@darksidedeb

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

@Darlainky

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.