I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Every haunted house movie: