I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
You Might Also Like
the dark web is just a goth google.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Childbirth is so beautiful
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Facebook Twitter
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures