Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.