@iGreenMonk

I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.

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@Gender_Thief

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@Man_Ona_Ledge

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

@CanadianCyn

Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@sixfootcandy

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots