I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

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ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope


4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?


Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?


Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.


*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*


Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.


[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”


Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out


The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.


My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying