FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*
Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying