I falcon love using swear birds
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When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.