[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
handsome & gretel
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
why does this building look like a guilty dog
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
You saw nothing. I am ham.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance