[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.