@MiniiG

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

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@HatfieldAnne

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

@Gupton68

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

@Office_Dolt

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

@kentgrossarth

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@impaulmccoy

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.