I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”