@ThatEggChick

I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.

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@bobvulfov

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

@aka_fatman

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

@huntigula

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

@chuuew

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

@BlindChow

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

@Divergentmama

Last night I tucked my son in, kissed him goodnight and he hugged me and said “goodbye mommy” so I guess I won’t be sleeping until he moves out.

@mommajessiec

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

@awkwardphilippe

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree