[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer