When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.
*I’ll show myself out*
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: what is my final challenge
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?