I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
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everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”