[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Yup!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside