I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy