Girls be like “i can fix him” okay bob the builder relax
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”