@DannyZuker

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

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@okslutty

Girls be like “i can fix him” okay bob the builder relax

@ch000ch

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

@HeidiCF8

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

@MikeDrucker

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

@huntigula

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

@SonOfCha

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

@Michael1979

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@iRowlf

A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”