I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.


Attention: Will the owners of a blue planet with plate tectonics please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.


At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*


HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂


Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.



Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days


My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.


Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.