I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I triple waxed for this?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn