@Dani_Feld

I fed the cows marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

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@Lucky_Leftovers

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

@chuuew

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

@Alex_LaVallee

My wife just walked into a huge spider web.

She is now a black belt in karate.

@hog_mild

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

@TommyRainmaker

[after fight with bane]

batman: my back is broken

batman’s mom: it’s bc you’re on the computer too much

@Michael1979

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

@nicky_prada

Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”

@MarcusTheToken

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both