friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Not messing around
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs