I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
This is so me 😂😂
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?