If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.
Well played brother, well played
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I’ll never been seen alive again.
What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down