@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

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@joeljeffrey

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@RiaWojo

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

@OnceUponALiz

If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I’ll never been seen alive again.

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@kimi_collins

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

@jennalynn518

Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.

@kyle_thatisall

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
[downstairs]
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down