Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Labreador
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.