I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor