@RandiLawson: I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my 'May Know' Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we've both agreed not to be friends
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@YuckyTom: “...and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.” Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that? Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
@KThonvold: People who genetically engineer food, why don't you make celery that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
@flashember: "Alex is visiting later tonight." Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.