I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.