I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I know this now 😂
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone