I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?