judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
You Might Also Like
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”