@salamingia

I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

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@cheeky__gal

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

@mactx85

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

@aotakeo

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

@Mardigroan

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

@PS_IRuddYou

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

@caperbc75

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.

@FrogAvalanche

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.