I feel bad for airport security workers. I’m going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.

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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.


[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm


*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself


Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.


worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone


Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.


Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?


Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson’s Black Cat blew your Grandma’s pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.


Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.


Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.