H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer