I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When someone says you are so lazy
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”