It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”
*silently writes him out of my will*
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.