I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :