I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

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It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.


*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”


When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.


me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*


I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.


Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*


He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.