Me: “Breath mint?”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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choose one to drop:
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao
MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED “MARK DON’T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way