@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

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@Taco_Tatas

It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

@desijourno

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

@Browtweaten

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@ADHDeanASL

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

@copymama

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

@thebeckyard

“Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you’ve been buying.”

*silently writes him out of my will*

@Faux_Ma

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.