@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

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@Mindless4Miles

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

@jay_as_hell

choose one to drop:
1. acid
2. bass
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun

@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

@lisaxy424

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

@KatelynnGelman

I hung a plant in my shower and I was trying to take a picture but my dog Drax thought I was taking a picture of him lmao

@markhoppus

MY WIFE HAS, AFTER A 14 MONTH LONG IN-DEPTH INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT I TOOK THE LAST LA CROIX FROM THE REFRIGERATOR THAT SHE WAS SAVING FOR AFTER HER WORKOUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEARLY LABELED “MARK DON’T DRINK THIS YOU IDIOT.”

@UncleDuke1969

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way