*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.