I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.