I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

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Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.


My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time


Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate


If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”


Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …


Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?


So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.


Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.