I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.