I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
When you let grandma cat sit
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!