I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.